


a careful heart is better than none

by heybernia



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: M/M, Magical Realism, visible heart trope
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-29
Updated: 2018-10-29
Packaged: 2019-08-09 10:49:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16448465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heybernia/pseuds/heybernia
Summary: They have to leave for their flight in twenty minutes and Luc still can’t find his heart.





	a careful heart is better than none

**Author's Note:**

> luc posted a couple of instas where he was wearing stuff with a heart with eyes logo, exhibits [a](https://www.instagram.com/p/BfpAm0jFuSc/?utm_source=ig_share_sheet&igshid=hbmtgzcu2a26) and [b](https://www.instagram.com/p/BkWRijSFcr9/?utm_source=ig_share_sheet&igshid=1ggqaxwdqj8gx)
> 
> i thought they looked like stickers and a few months later this appeared.
> 
> title from reasonable man (i don't mind) by the national
> 
> thanks to ash for leaving comments on the doc and always being willing to read what i write <3

They have to leave for their flight in twenty minutes and Luc still can’t find his heart.

“You’ve checked under the beds?” Tito asks. His suitcase is leaning against the wall beside him, his heart likely somewhere inside. Tito’s heart isn’t out in the open, it never really is, but Luc has seen it a couple of times. Tito never seems worried or stressed about it. Luc wishes that was him.

“Yes,” Luc says from inside the wardrobe. He’s lied down on his stomach and braved reaching under the bed like four times now. He did find one of his shoes and a pair of dirty socks but that was it.

“And the bathroom,” Tito adds.

“Yes.” He’s done that twice. There’s not much in there considering all of the free toiletries are now in Tito’s case.

“And it’s definitely not in the wardrobe? Or the drawers?”

Luc lets out a groan--okay, more of a whine. “It’s not there, Beau.” Luc pulls himself out of the wardrobe and slides the door shut, revealing the full-length mirror on the front and getting a good look at the frowning expression on his face.

It takes Tito longer to say something this time. Tito normally talks a lot, and if he’s not talking, he’s laughing or doing something to make people laugh, and Luc likes all of those options. They’re all better than the silence that is starting to form in the room over the hum of the air conditioner.

Tito eventually says, “You’re sure it’s not in your suitcase,” and actually Luc wouldn’t have mind listening to the air con for a little longer.

Luc shakes his head. “No, there’s no room for it in there.”

Luc backs up and drops down on the sort of made bed, it’s not a bad effort from him, the bottom part of it looks okay at least, and runs his hand through his hair, trying to think of where it could be or how he’s going to explain it to people.

Tito walks over to him, flip flops smacking off the floor, and pats him on the top of the arm. Luc deflates even more, how is he going to tell his mom he lost his heart in Ibiza.

“When can you last remember having it?” Tito asks, sounding actually concerned now which Luc does appreciates.

Luc tries to follow back the memory trail in his head but only ends up lost in the alcohol infused forest. If only a GPS could help him out with this.

“I don’t know,” Luc says when it’s clear he’s getting nowhere, dropping his head even further down.

Tito has moved onto rubbing Luc’s shoulder. It’s like the only decent thing to happen to Luc today. The water was shockingly cold this morning when he had his shower and the breakfast bar didn’t have any waffles left by the time he went down.

“Have you ever lost it before?” Tito asks.

Luc blushes immediately and keeps his head down. “Yeah. More than once,” Luc admits quietly.

“And you must have always got it back no matter where it was, yeah,” Tito says. Luc nods. “Okay, then you shouldn’t worry about it too much. I mean, like what sort of places have you lost it before?”

Luc tries not to let people know what his heart is like. It’s pretty embarrassing and kind of humiliating when people find out, especially because most of the time, they find out when it’s not Luc’s choice, but Luc feels safe with Tito, with Tito’s clear blue eyes looking at him, open and unjudging.

Luc lifts his head up a little and his eyes a lot while he finds the words. “Well, near the start of the season--”

*

Luc comes back to the room to find Sonny playing video games with Luc’s heart in his lap. The chocolate in his mouth melts before he gets around to swallowing it.

Sonny glances over before turning back to the screen. “Your heart was on my bed,” Sonny says, focused on the laser beams shooting across the TV.

“You could have put it back on mine,” Luc says, still stunned by his heart being content in Sonny’s lap.

Sonny screws up his mouth. “I did,” Sonny starts, then stops until an explosion comes out of the speakers before carrying on. “But then it kept on trying to jump over when I wasn’t looking, and like, I didn’t want it to stain the carpet or to get hurt.”

Luc glances down to his feet and the creamy coloured carpet underneath. It would stain pretty badly.

The noise coming out of the television stops. Luc looks up to find Sonny has paused his game and put his controller down, he then gently picks up Luc’s heart and lifts it up to Luc and into his waiting hand.

“Thanks,” Luc says, mostly a mumble.

“No problem,” Sonny says, un-pausing the game and proceeding to only stare at it so he doesn’t see Luc pulling faces at his heart.

Luc has always had a big heart and it gets itself attached way, way too fast.

*

“I would never trust Barz with my heart. Not in a million years,” Tito comments.

“Don’t let him hear you say that,” Luc says.

“Oh, he knows. He knows for sure. I don’t want to come back to him having chomped down half of it-- why do you think I keep him fed. I like having a whole heart, thanks.”

Tito fake shivers and Luc is laughing a little. “So what other times have you lost it?” Tito asks, guiding them back to the subject at hand.

It doesn’t take long for Luc to remember. “There was the time at the draft--”

*

“Duber.”

Luc turns around from the water fountain, recognising the voice instantly. “Hi, Clouder,” Luc says. Mikey is standing there, feet far apart, both of his hands in his combine hoodie pocket and a serious expression on his face. “What’s up?”

One side of Mikey’s mouth twitches. “This is yours, right,” Mikey says, pulling one of his hands out of his pocket and presents Luc’s trembling heart to him.

Luc quickly taps his chest, his hoodie pocket then his sweat pockets, and feels his cheeks heat up.

“It must be, yeah. Thanks for bringing it back to me,” Luc reaches out and Mikey drops it in his hand, his heart instantly starting to pulse like it normally does, happy and content and safe.

“Where did you find it?” Luc asks.

Mikey shrugs. “It like hoodies,” he says, cryptically.

“Who doesn’t,” Luc says. He’s looking at Mikey, at his hoodie and at the number in the middle of his chest. Something’s tickling at the back of Luc’s brain, he’s sure Mikey had three numbers, not two, and oh, oh, everything suddenly makes a lot more sense.

Once or twice, Luc has seen Mikey walking about with two hearts instead of just one. Other times, there’s not one to be seen. If only Luc could be sure when he didn’t have his heart that it was in safe, gentle hands.

Luc has always had a big heart and sometimes it doesn’t realise that just because it wants something doesn’t mean it will be wanted back.

*

“Hey, at least McLeod wasn’t very dramatic about it. He could have been worse, he could have been Stromer.”

Tito is rolling his eyes, looking for a second like his favourite emoji, the emoji he uses the most at least. Luc waits for Tito to explain but Tito doesn’t say anything. Blinks a few times in Luc’s direction, urging him on.

“I guess,” Luc says. “There was another time I lost it too--”

*

Svech’s snapchats aren’t as chaotic and coded as he is in real life or his insta comments and captions are but they’re still very Svech, very loud and very memorable.

This one Luc got is probably going to end up being more memorable than most. For one, it doesn’t have Svech in it which is the first thing Luc notices, it just has his hand. Two, the caption lacks any emojis which might be the rarest thing of all if it wasn’t for number three, the fact that Svech’s hand is holding a heart that looks a lot like Luc’s.

Urss??? ? ?? is the caption and it takes Luc the whole ten seconds to understand what is happening enough to send Svech a text. This isn’t a thing he wants to keep on Snapchat.

Luc hadn’t even told him his heart had been missing for days.

Luc has always had a big heart and it only goes where it wants no matter how far it has to travel.

*

“Dude, how did you get it back from Florida?”

“Svech came back up to hang out after the draft,” Luc explains.

Tito nods. “Your heart gets around more than you do.”

“I know,” Luc says. “There were also a couple of times when I was a kid.”

“Yeah,” Tito says, still sounding interested for some reason.

“Yeah, I left it at the rink once. Got home, realised it wasn’t in my stuff or the car and immediately starting crying.” Luc can remember it clearly, how he buried himself under his blankets and sobbed until his mother came back with his heart, how he wrapped his arms around it tight, and held it close to his chest and fell asleep to the feel of its comforting, steady beat.

“Aw, no tears this time around or on the plane, please,” Tito says.

“I’ll try not to,” Luc says, mostly joking.

“Your heart really gets around, huh,” Tito notes again.

“Yeah,” Luc says.

“So this really isn’t something new for you then,” Tito says.

“Not really,” Luc says, still feeling the trace of a blush crawl across his face. “My heart likes to go where it wants, I guess.”

“But it always comes back eventually,” Tito says.

Luc says, “Yeah, in the end.”

“I don’t see why you’re so worried then.” Tito swings an arm around his shoulder. “Have faith, Duber, it’s gonna come back to you soon,” Tito promises. Luc leans into it, just a little.

Then Luc takes a glance at his phone and shrugs Tito’s arm off. They’ve got two minutes before their taxi is meant to arrive at their hotel. As much as Luc is worried about where his heart is, he feels like--he wants to believe that everything is going to be okay. Luc lets himself believe that Tito is right about his heart and that it’s going to come back to Luc one day soon.

*

Luc has always had a big heart ever since he was a kid. It used to be too big for his hands. Carrying it anywhere was a struggle, it would shake and wobble in the cradle made by his palms and Luc used to have to put it down whenever he had to grab something else or when he needed a rest.

He cried whenever he lost it which happened a lot, like it happened more than it didn’t, and his mum would always shake her head but she’d gather him up in her arms all of the same and tell him that it’s okay, that they’d find his heart.

Nowadays, Luc’s heart fits into his hands no problem. It took time, but he grew into it, grew taller and bigger so now it fits snugly in one of Luc’s hands, even if that doesn’t stop him from losing it every now and then.

Now and then and more than a few times in between. Luc still needs to learn how to keep a grip on his heart.

*

Barcelona’s cool. The weather isn’t but that’s for the better. It’s hot, the skies always seem to be clear and it’s one of the main reasons Luc is enjoying his time here. Getting a chance to work on his tan is something he appreciates.

Being with Tito and their friends is another reason too. Spending time with them on the beaches, exploring the city and beside the pool helps Luc to think about other things that aren’t hockey, returning home and the whereabouts of his heart.

At that moment, as if Tito has a sixth sense for Luc thinking about heart-based things, the door to their room opens and Tito appears through the balcony door and drops down in the chair next to Luc, a bottle in one hand and a small plastic bag in the other.

“How was gift shopping?” Luc asks while watching Tito take a long sip of his drink.

Tito wipes the corner of his mouth and leans back in his chair before he speaks. “Alright, I got my mom a snow globe of the cathedral so I’ve got time to get her a new one in case it breaks. And I got you something as well.”

“Did you really,” Luc says, pretty sure that whatever it is will be a joke.

“Yep, I did.” Tito sounds pleased with himself so it’s almost definitely going to be a joke present.

Luc sits up from where he was slouching and takes the plastic bag that Tito hands to him, mumbling a thank you as he pulls it out and looks at the thin sheets in his hand.

“They reminded me of you and I got them for a good deal,” Tito says while Luc blinks at what’s in his hand.

It’s a set of heart stickers, all a deep red colour and decorated with cartoon-y eyes or a mouth or other facial features. One of them has a pair of sunglasses on.

“I thought they would do you in the meanwhile,” Tito says, taking Luc’s silence as encouragement to keep on speaking. “Until your proper heart comes back to you.”

Luc hasn’t forgotten about his heart. He couldn’t forget about it. Contrary to what Tito would like to hear, Luc thinks about every time he sees the glimpse of one out on the streets, tucked into people’s bags and peeking out of their pockets, and Luc hadn’t lost hope of ever getting it back. It was just easier to avoid it, to not think about it, to leave it for when he got home and returned back to real life.

“If you don’t like them, I’m sure we can find a kid to give them to or something,” Tito says. He’s not really smiling anymore so it’s probably not a joke, Tito probably wouldn’t make a joke about something like this.

Luc can’t remember seeing Tito’s heart since they arrived in Barcelona and he thinks maybe Tito is keeping it out of sight for his sake which is something Luc doesn’t know what to do with.

Anyway, it’s so wrong that Tito isn’t smiling even a little bit. Luc doesn’t like it at all so Luc rushes to say, “No, I do like them.” Luc carries on, slower this time. “They’re cute. I like them a lot, thanks Tito.”

Tito’s eyes are back to being a little scrunchy and the world shifts back to normality. Luc glances through the heart stickers on the first sheet because there are multiple sheets. There’s one that has a huge, wide, cheesy grin and a pair on blues eyes on it. “This one looks like you,” Luc points out to Tito.

Tito gives him a grin that matches the sticker and points to the grandpa heart that has a grey beard and thick eyebrows. “That one looks like you.”

*

The next day, Luc puts one of the heart stickers on his shirt, it has long lashes and a pout.

It doesn’t fill the void left by his real heart. Not at really, it’s mostly just worry that’s sloshing around in his chest when he lets it move, but something about the sticker makes Luc feel better, gives Luc something solid to hold on to, and looking at it in the mirror makes him smile as he rubs his thumb over it to flatten it.

“Dude,” Tito says from his position on the bed. He’s smiling at Luc like he wasn’t making dumb faces to post on snapchat or to send to Barz two seconds ago. “I love the sticker.”

“Thanks, this good guy bought them for me,” Luc says and somehow Tito’s smile gets even bigger and brighter.

“Yo, pass me the sticker sheet Luc,” Tito asks, tacking on, “Pretty please,” at the end.

“Where are you even going to put it though?” Luc asks because Tito isn’t wearing a shirt right now and seems to have no intentions of putting one on which isn’t unusual. Luc’s not sure why Tito even bothered bringing shirts with him across the Atlantic. He must have worn every single other thing except his shirts which have just stayed buried at the bottom of his suitcase.

“On my hat,” Tito answers. Luc opens his mouth before closing it and handing over the stickers, because honestly, it’s probably the best option available after a shirt.

“Make sure you don’t lose your heart then, those are valuable stickers,” Luc says handing the sheet over.

“I won’t,” Tito says, too innocent like he’s a kid in school. He picks one of the stickers off, places it and flattens it down before putting his bucket hat on his head. Of course, Tito picked the sticker with the sunglasses.

“I’m looking good, right,” Tito says.

“For once, yeah,” Luc says, feeling his face start to heat up for some unknown reason.

Tito flips him the bird, holds it there as he pulls out his phone, probably to take more selfies of his face now that he’s got his hat and heart sticker on too.

Luc proves to be right. Tito makes a couple of different expressions, furrows his eyebrows and pouts his lips to make a duck face, before calling Luc over to get involved and it’s not a choice Luc has to think about. He moves over and sticks his tongue out while Tito does the same.

*

“I wish I was like you, man,” Luc lets slip out after he’s had one too many drinks. He flicks the umbrella in his drink, watches it spin around the rim of his glass. Tito had said at some point during their vacation that you can never have too many pink cocktails that have sparkly umbrellas in them but right now Luc finds himself disagreeing with him.

“It’s okay, dude, everyone wishes they had my good looks,” Tito says, giving Luc a Tito-smile which is like a beam of sunlight even now at night.

“No, like, I wish I had your heart,” Luc says.

“Luc,” Tito says in this weird tone that doesn’t do enough to interrupt Luc’s train of thought.

“Like, your heart doesn’t get lost or go off on its own. You always know where it is. You didn’t lose your heart in Ibiza, you just lost a pair of sunglasses.”

“Duber,” Tito says softly, gently like the breeze hitting Luc’s skin. Luc looks up at the stars appearing and disappearing behind the unseen clouds.

Eventually, Tito puts his glass down on the table, the clink of glass against glass, and Luc blinks away the dust in his eyes. In some ways, Luc is just like his heart, an inability to keep things that should be hidden or under wraps.

“Your heart is good, Luc,” Tito tells him, sounding so sure, sure like Tito on his skates, sure and steadfast. "You’re good.”

Luc doesn’t know how he feels, how he wants to feel, it all feels overwhelming without his heart, like any thought is enough to make the hole start to grow bigger. Luc doesn’t know if he wants to keep his heart or if he wants to give it away but he can’t do either, he’s stuck in the middle aching.

Luc rubs at his eyes with his palms and he can’t stop the hitch his throat makes. If he waits, the clouds could come together and start to pour before the sun comes out. The clouds could hide the sun.

A hand touches Luc’s wrist, spreads its fingers across the back of his hand and pulls it off his face. Luc doesn’t look at Tito, he can’t, so he looks at where their hands are joined instead because Tito didn’t let Luc’s hand go, he moved his hand down so it was wrapped around Luc’s fingers.

At that angle, the white plastic of the chair is digging into Luc’s arm. He can handle it for a little longer.

They don’t talk about it before the next morning. They both keep their hands close to their chests.

*

The only thing Luc can’t find before they have to check out of their room this time is one of his snapbacks.

“It’s probably in my case,” Tito says. “We can look through it now or at the airport.”

Luc shrugs. “It’s fine, you can just give it to me later if you find it.”

Tito twists his mouth as if he’s going to say something but he doesn’t. Things have been kind of awkward the past few days. Luc probably needs to apologise for dropping it on Tito without warning, they’re friends but not like that, or bring it up again so they can actually talk about it when they’re not closer to drunk than sober.

He doesn’t. Him and Tito only talk about things like what they’re doing during the summer and who’s going to win the Champions League final. They even talk about the playoffs and Luc knows that’s the most obvious sign that things aren’t right.

Tito hugs him once they’re off the plane and through passport control. It’s a proper hug, not a bro hug even though Tito likes those. Luc returns it and ignores the weird knot building in his chest.

“See you around, Duber,” Tito says, bag on his shoulder and trolley case ready to roll.

“See you later, Tito.”

The first thing Luc is going to do when he gets home is nap.

Luc will unpack his stuff soon. He’ll properly catch up with his parents but Luc needs sleep more, he needs to not think about things and stay out of reality for a little longer.

*

“Luc! Luc! Luc, wake up! This can’t wait, bud.”

Luc hates his brain. Why is he dreaming about Tito already?

Dream-Tito is shaking Luc’s shoulder and Luc shifts onto his back and blinks up at Dream-Tito. His hair is a mess like he’s been running his hands through it, he’s holding a bag in his hand right now and his eyes are bright and wide. Luc’s shoulder is still warm and a little sweaty from when Tito was touching it and so maybe Luc isn’t dreaming after all.

“Did you find my snapback?” Luc asks. If things weren’t awkward, Luc might have said something like already missing me that much, but things are awkward and there has to be a reason why Tito had to see Luc today.

“Do you ever turn your phone off silent?” Tito asks, not angry but there’s some passionate emotion behind it, feverish almost.

“I was napping,” Luc says defensively, barely resists the urge to cross his arms. “You didn’t need to come today anyway, I didn’t need the snapback that bad.”

Tito is shaking his head but he’s smiling and starting to laugh and Luc is so confused right now, all he can do is blink and frown at Tito. “Luc, this isn't about your snapback although I did find that as well, by the way,” Tito says, nearing on too fast. He reaches into the bag and lifts something out. “This is yours right.”

It’s not a question. Tito knows what he has and Luc knows what he’s holding because Luc is always going to be able to recognise his heart, his heart pulsing away, so happy and so content.

Luc can barely believe it. He missed it so much.

Luc makes a cradle with his hands that Tito gently drops the heart into. “Where did you find it?” Luc asks, relief clouding his voice as he rubs little strokes into it.

In the top part of Luc’s vision, Tito starts to flush. “It was in my suitcase, right at the bottom underneath everything.”

“Oh,” Luc says. Oh. Luc looks down at his heart and thinks about that, thinks about how that might be the final piece to what Luc’s been trying to figuring out the past weeks.

Luc looks away from his heart and up to Tito. “Thanks for bringing my heart back, Tito,” Luc says, licking his lips. “But--I was thinking you could keep it for me? It would probably keep on trying to get back to you and I wouldn't--I don’t want to stop it.”

“Oh,” Tito says. It might be the light but Luc is sure Tito starts to blush more. “Yeah,” he says eventually with this pleased and small for Tito smile. “I would love to hold onto your heart for you.”

Luc’s heart does two quick pulses in a row as Luc smiles back.

“I’ll take the snapback and you can keep my heart,” Luc says again because he wants to and because it makes Tito’s eyes crinkle.

“That sounds great to me,” Tito says. He hasn’t stop smiling since Luc told him he wanted Tito to keep his heart. In fact, it just seems to be getting bigger and bigger. “Do you wanna come round tomorrow so I can give you mine?”

“Yeah,” Luc says, his heart pulsing constantly now. “Why not tonight though?”

“Well, because I want to spend tonight somewhere else,” Tito says. Luc is definitely more than okay with that and he’s sure his heart is okay with it too because it knows it will be safe in Tito's hands.

**Author's Note:**

> untagged characters: sonny milano, mathew barzal, michael mcleod, dylan strome, evgeny svechnikov 
> 
> thank you lots for reading i hope you enjoyed it <3 
> 
> i'm on twitter [@attababehisch](https://twitter.com/attababehisch)


End file.
